So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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