Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
