His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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