A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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