my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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