The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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