every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
