Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
