My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
