I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
