three words: i give head
three words: not that well
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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