i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
