so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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