I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
