and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
