My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
