Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
