plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
