how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
