I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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