I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
