Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
