She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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