You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
