you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
