when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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