you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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