She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
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