sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
