she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
