There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
