i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
