dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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