Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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