This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
