but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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