I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
