is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Randomize
