He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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