Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
