Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
