i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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