Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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