Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
