I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
