apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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