Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
