True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Two words: blizzard sex
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
