I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
