Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
